20 November 2003 - 9:11 a.m.

i went to orientation at the head office in fitzroy yesterday, in order to learn about this organization i work for (of which i knew next to nothing) and meet all of the people who take care of my accounts and all the other important stuff. it was very worthwhile, indeed, but i didn't escape until after 7.30 pm. whoa. i was too tired to do anything from there.

on one of the morning tea breaks, i called the modeling agency to find out what time i'm supposed to be working today. that's when i found out the second day of working for this company had been cancelled because they thought i was difficult to work with and had stiff and unnatural poses. really.

jacqui (head of the agency) asked for an explanation, and i gave it to her. every photographer is different, and every job is different. at the shoot i did on sunday (for another assignment), i wasn't allowed to even crack a smile. on last week's shoot for this company in question, they wouldn't let me do anything less energetic than a full-on smile with dimples.

their goal for my "look" was for me to imagine that i was the best daughter-in-law any mother-in-law could hope for. then they proceeded to shout "mother-in-law! mother-in-law!" repeatedly while i was working, just in case my smiles and laughter weren't warm enough.

i probably did not give them what they wanted, but i had no idea how to do that. i asked lots of questions and tried as hard as i could, but i think there was some miscommunication somewhere. and that's what i told jacqui.

i couldn't help but feel like a bit of a loser for the rest of the day. i've never enjoyed negative feedback, no matter what job i'm doing. do you think they teach the "mother-in-law" look and matching set of poses at barbizon?