October 16, 2002 - 7:40 p.m.

my birthday is coming up. birthday time always gets me thinking, and it gets worse as i get older.

this time i'm thinking about how to celebrate. considering i don't really have friends here, the party idea is out. i could have another zaireeka party, but i'd still have to find people to show up.

i think what i'd really like is to go away for the weekend, maybe just an hour or two away to one of the good surfing beaches. simon and i could take a tent and a carload of snacks. that would be great, except that simon's working.

i've also been thinking about my brother. in the past few years, he's given up on remembering my birthday. when it comes time for his birthday, a month and a half after mine, he tells me to get him nothing - even stevens, i suppose. well, ever since he started dating his fiancee, she's kicked him into shape. actually, she buys the cards and commandeers the christmas list, and he just tags along. she's really good about it. i jokingly call her his PR firm. part of me is in awe and really respectful that she's whipping him back into shape. the other part of me knows that he won't do anything on his own, so it really doesn't mean anything.

for the wedding, my brother wrote a very beautiful poem, had it framed and sent it over in my mom's luggage. no wrapping, no card or note, either from him or the fiancee. i still haven't heard from her. i know i shouldn't worry about it, but i do think it's a little weird, considering the frequency of her notes/cards before. so now i'm wondering if they're going to acknowledge my birthday. if i get a card, i'll know she was responsible. if i don't get a card, i'll think she doesn't care.

criminy! shouldn't i have better birthday things to think about, like how many grey hairs i'll have when my hair color grows out? or how long i have before nighttime eye cream becomes a necessity? yes, this is the crap i occasionally torment myself with. about a week after, it's all over, and the only thing i have to struggle with is remembering the correct number when people ask how old i am.

don't worry, i don't expect you to acknowledge my birthday. you're off the hook. but for those of you related by blood (or in love with the blood rellies), i'll be tapping my foot over here by the mailbox, computer and telephone until i hear from you.